So, I wanted to make this its own separate page and give some more detail because especially since it is such a big part of what I blog about and just such a big part of my life. I’ll say this again, I’m always always always here if you need to talk (about anything of course) but especially about ED issues. As you’ll read on, you’ll be able to see that I have a lot of experience and there’s a good chance that I know what you’re going through and I’ve probably been there myself. I WILL ABSOLUTELY NEVER EVER EVER JUDGE YOU!!!!
I AM IN ABSOLUTELY NO WAY PROANA/ED. AND I WILL NEVER EVER GIVE ANYONE TIPS ON HOW TO STARVE YOURSELF OR PURGE OR CONDONE UNHEALTHY WEIGHT LOSS MEASURES!!!
THE BEGINNING:
It all started when I was 11 (2005 I think). I don’t really remember the beginning except that me and a friend of mine had started counting calories… I’ve always been a slender kid, I had no need to do so, I just did it. Some time went on, and that in addition to my ADHD medication, I lost some weight. Now this is how the cycle always goes: I noticed that I’d lost some weight, I guess everybody did. A friend of mine asked me if I had an eating disorder. Now, I’m not sure if I did or it was just calorie-counting, but when she asked me, my mind just went “well, I guess I do!” And I vowed to be the best damn anorexic I could possibly be. I wanted to lose more weight. More! More! More! My thoughts of weight loss totally consumed me.
A big thing that fueled my eating disorder was that I made a pro-ana MySpace (I know, I’m totally dating myself. lol. By this point is was 2005). And that totally sucked me in. I felt like a star, I had over 1,000 friends, I knew all the tips/tricks, people came to me for “help,” everyone knew my domain name, Emaciate Me and I Will Be Free and suddenly this insignificant 7th grader is actually somebody. I felt like I had found something I was good at, it was my skill, and it made me feel special. Other girls in my grade started to develop eating disorders (including the friend who had asked me, she asked me because she did) and they would all come to me to talk about it. I was the “school anorexic.” I still sometimes blame myself for their eating disorders, that maybe if they didn’t see me being so successful at losing weight this way, they wouldn’t have done it.
At that point my daily intake was something like, half a grapefruit for breakfast (claim I’ll eat the rest on the way to school but throw it away). 2 sugar free Red Bulls before school. Celery sticks for lunch. And my eating disorder caused me to join the basketball team and the school play (which I love theater anyways, but my eating disorder had taken over to the point that I couldn’t think about it that way) and that way I had extracurriculars every day after school and could claim I’d already eaten by the time I got home. Anytime I ate ANYTHING else, I would purge. I also over-exercised. I walked to school every day (1.5 miles) I’d often go to the gym with my friend and we’d compete to see who could burn more calories, I would also stay up at night on caffeine pills and do thousands of crunches. I would leave my bedroom window wide open on cold nights and sleep without blankets or warm clothes to burn extra calories.
My eating disorder absolutely consumed my life. No guys wanted to date me because I was too skinny. They all made fun of my and called me “Skeletor” secretly, I loved the nickname. I found solace in my eating disorder to soothe my loneliness. I had friends, I was still part of the “popular crowd” in fact, I was kinda a real Regina George. My eating disorder caused me to start cutting. I wouldn’t cut for an emotional release, I cut to punish myself for eating, I cut to punish myself for not being at my goal weight *(my goal weight was 75lbs. I was 5’6 had I reached my goal weight, my BMI would’ve been 12.1 although, I could’ve likely been dead before I ever got there)* My eating disorder took up all of the space in my life. I started hallucinating and thinking that I saw Ana. That she was this beautiful, emaciated girl and she would just be sitting in random corners and I would see her. I heard her in my head always talking, yelling awful things when I was even around food. There were many times where I used Ipecac Syrup (for those who don’t know, it’s an emergency first aid liquid medicine, given to induce vomiting when someone has swallowed poison. it is now illegal to sell it in drug stores or OTC) that shit is nasty!!! and, incredibly dangerous.
My parents were either oblivious or in denial of their only daughter wasting away. They never realized I had a problem until one day, one of my friends (to this day I don’t know who) printed out an especially disturbing, suicidal, scary pro-ana post that I had made on my MySpace page, and brought it in to the school councilor. That day, my world came crashing down. The school had a huge meeting with my parents, they required them to take me to an outpatient eating disorder treatment or I couldn’t continue there. This was the school I had been attended since age 2.5. At a mere 86lbs (5’6 BMI 13.8) I was forced into treatment.
**Once evaluated, they discovered that I had an enlarged heart from overworking it with excessive exercise and too much caffeine while depriving it of any food. A condition that could’ve worsened and caused a heart attack. I had lost my period for over 8 months (after only having it like 3 times) and had developed early stages of osteopenia (weakening of bones and diminished bone mass) they said had I been even a couple pounds lighter, they would’ve had to put in a feeding tube and mandate hospitalization. AT AGE 12. I also still suffer from the damaging effects of how my starvation ate away ate me, I have a permanent depression in my back along my spine because I damaged my ability to grow any fat tissue over it. so, no matter how much weight i gain, sitting against hard surfaces will always be painful and uncomfortable.
I’m gonna skip ahead a little, and I may start skipping around a bit.
One night, towards the end of 7th grade, I was so angry and disgusted with what my body had been forced to become (I was probably only really about 110lbs) that I overdosed on several varieties of diet pills, diuretics, laxatives, and caffeine pills. Part of me just really wanted to die, wanted it to be over. However, I got scared when i started to feel my heart race and my body shake and my mind go fuzzy, so I went downstairs and woke up my mother and told her what I has done. My parents took me to the emergency room and drink charcoal and they almost had to pump my stomach. They then required me to spend 10 days in a pediatric psych hospital. I’m really glad that I went and woke up my mom. I’m glad that I am here today and that I didn’t kill myself.
In 8th grade I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I was put on medication that caused me to gain a bunch of weight. This made me super depressed. I wasn’t able to restrict with the same success as before, and everyone was always watching what I ate. So, I got very heavily into purging. I was purging sometimes 6+ times a day. And I was very suicidal, I was cutting a lot, using the Ipecac again, not sleeping, etc. I ended up being sent away to a therapeutic wilderness program before the end of the school year for 9 weeks.
I started 9th grade at the same school, and I was just so anxious. I was still heavier (around 160lbs, 5’7) and my friends were much skinnier than me still. I couldn’t keep up with the new demands of high school, I was bulimic and cutting again. I ended up getting sent away to therapeutic boarding school.
THE GROVE SCHOOL
The Grove School was my therapeutic boarding school. When I first went, I lost a bunch of weight. Because the environment of the dining hall was super stressful and because eating around people, especially people that I don’t know makes me very anxious. I had panic attacks in the dining hall almost every night and when I did eat, I purged. Within a short time I lost almost 35lbs. I was sent to the hospital for cutting and running away. While there, I lost more weight. I also got to know this guy, who also went to Grove but was in the hospital for some reason, I don’t remember.
As a new student, I didn’t know very many people. I was also very insecure and had a lot of self-hatred, and little self-respect. This guy could tell, and he preyed on it. I was 14 years old, 5’7 and about 115lbs at that point, and he was 17 almost 18, 6’4 or 5. Once we got back to campus, we started “dating,” a process which consisted mainly of him finding dark places to make out, shoving me against walls and buildings. He tried to convince me to have sex with him or give him head and when I said no, he would hit me, or knee me in the stomach, and then he would shove me on the ground (in the snow, it was winter) he choked me out a few times. So why does this belong in my eating disorder story? For a few reasons, if I wasn’t so thin then he wouldn’t have been able to overpower me so easily, if I didn’t have an eating disorder I wouldn’t have hated myself enough to get caught up in that, and lastly, I thought that he had liked me because I had lost weight, and so I thought if I lost more weight he would be happier and not beat me, that didn’t work. I tried to hide out in my dorm, but he would get my friends to come get me to come outside. Or he would call me dorm relentlessly until I finally gave in. Even after he left Grove, he stalked me. He would call me constantly, if I blocked his number, he’d call from a different one. He tried to IM me and facebook me nonstop. And he would ALWAYS call me fat because he knew that it weakened me.
My eating disorder fluctuated while I was at Grove, it came back more strongly in times of stress.
*****TO ANY BULIMICS READING THIS: this is what bulimia did to my body:
I have permanent, irreversible physical damage because of my bulimia. If you like: spicy foods, pizza, spaghetti, anything with tomato, orange juice, lemonade, anything with citrus (to name a few) YOU MAY WANNA SERIOUSLY RECONSIDER PURGING!!! I have acid reflux, bile reflux and esophagitis. The reflux causes me to cough and burp up stomach acid and bile! Sometimes into my throat, or the back of my mouth, or into my mouth. IT’S FUCKING GROSSS!!! AND IT’S PAINFUL!!! and it’s a VERYYYYYY fast way to end a make out session! eew! It gives me awful sharp stomach pains, sometimes it feels like my entire stomach is on fire. It gives me horrible chest pains and can make it difficult to breathe. The thing responsible for keeping stuff down, is broken, and sometimes when I lay down flat too soon after eating it comes back up. The esophagitis is damage and inflammation of the esophagus, which just fucking hurts!!! I had to have an endoscopy, where they stick a camera down your throat all the way into your intestines and take little biopsies (samples) along the way. IT SUCKED!!! I know that reading those things on the internet about how purging is bad for you or whatever may not be that effective. WELL HERE IS MY PERSONAL HORROR STORY!!! It will NEVER be totally better. The acid reflux can be helped with medication, but not the bile reflux. and every time I purge I just undo the progress I’ve made in managing it. THINK ABOUT IT!!
So I’m gonna jump ahead a bunch more to last year. So it’s senior year of high school, I just moved home from residential treatment (I got kicked out of Grove for having sex in the bathroom of the administration building and then punching my advisor in the face… long story) and shit’s going pretty good for me, I got a boyfriend, it’s all good. I started to lose some weight because I was super busy back in NYC had a million places to be, I didn’t have much money and would rather buy cigarettes, and I started losing weight. As the cycle usually goes, I notice I’ve lost weight, and I want to lose more and more. In 2 months from when I moved home, I lost 20lbs. My parents and therapist and school councilor got concerned, and they all agreed that I needed treatment. So, mid-November, only 2 months since I moved home from residential treatment, senior year of high school at a new school, with a new boyfriend, I got shipped to Arizona for inpatient treatment. It was a fucking bummer!!!
NOW
So, I had been sick for MONTHS! and no one knew what was wrong, they did tons of blood tests, nothing. One thought they had was that I had celiac disease (gluten intolerance) so I tried to eat gluten-free for about a month, which as a picky vegetarian is very difficult. I was also starting college, always running around, spending money on cigarettes over food, tons of caffeine, etc. So, naturally, I lost some weight. And, as the Eliza cycle goes, I liked that, so I wanted to lose more weight. So I started to control my food more, and then I started to restrict more. I started getting really food anxious, and restricting more. Then, when I moved out here to California, I basically got free reign over my life, and over my days. So, I really didn’t HAVE to eat. Sometimes I would get food with Rob, but he wasn’t pushy, he knew that it was an anxious topic. And I’ve been walking A LOT (which I did in NY too, but like that makes sense and is actually possible there) I’m basically trying to channel the NYC I can walk to anything I want attitude, outside of the NYC anything I want is in walking distance reality. So, I’ve lost more weight out here and it’s too the point where I’m technically “underweight,” I get very anxious when I eat, I’m eating in secret because I’m ashamed to eat around people, my Body Dysmorphic Disorder is getting much worse, the scale tells me I’ve lost weight but I think I look fatter because I actually ate the day before, my desire to lose weight is influencing my decisions in other areas of my life, like what jobs to apply for. If I don’t do something to get this under control, there is NO ONE who can really stop it from getting super out of control like in the beginning. I could’ve easily died back then, I really don’t want it to get there now!! I am trying to create a LIFE for myself out here, I can’t afford to have my eating disorder jeopardize that!
So, I’m gonna try to do some treatment for it. It’s scary as fuck!! It’s been about 7 years of this shit! It’s not going to get any easier to fight it the longer it goes… I don’t know if I can do it. But I can’t afford not to try.
**FOR THE SELF-HARMERS: for those of you assuming that the scars you’re making are gonna fade away, think again. I still have SIX year old scars that I can see totally clearly and noticeably!!!
**FOR THE SHORT GIRLS: I don’t know if you caught this, since I was 11, I’ve only grown TWO inches in 7 years, during the typical growth spurt years, because of this. (luckily I was an awkwardly tall 11 year old) so if you’re hoping to grow, think again!
I hope that my story can help people see that eating disorders are not to be taken lightly. They’re not just a way to lose a few pounds, or look good for the guys, GUYS WON’T WANT YOU! please, seriously think about what you’re truly doing to yourself. This is YOUR body, and like it or not, it’s the only one you’ve got. I COULD’VE HAD A HEART ATTACK AT AGE 12, so think about that the next time you wanna fuel your eating disorder. This isn’t some internet scare site, I’m a real person, who you can actually talk to, and this is my real story about some real, crazy, serious, dangerous shit that I’ve had to deal with because of my eating disorder.
IF THIS STORY LEFT AN IMPACT ON YOU, SHARE IT WITH THE ONES YOU LOVE WHO ARE STRUGGLING!!! SO THEY DON’T HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY TOO!!
I still struggle every single day with my eating disorder and my distorted body image and skewed view of food and eating. more of the time than not i want to say fuck this recovery thying and starve myself until the world feels calm again. i still hate myself most of the time, i don’t believe or feel or think that i’m attractive, as a result of my low self esteem, feelings of low self worth, lack of self respect, i have made a bad habit of having one night stands. they make me feel attractive and good about myself in the moment, but afterwards i feel dirty and ashamed. this way of acting and living caused me to lose control one night, i was drugged and most likely raped. i woke up on a boat naked with no recollection of how i got there. this happened because my eating disorder had taken away my self respect. but i have to remind myself what my eating disorder has done to me. trust me, i would love to forget about how i almost drove myself to a heart attack at the age of 12, but i can’t because what if this time it really does kill me? i try to spread my message to my followers and to other eating disorder sufferers, so that hopefully they won’t have to go through what i have. but, it’s really really hard. and i hate myself. and i don’t think i will evert feel skinny enough, or pretty, enough, or good enough. and i hate that this disease has already taken 7 years of my life, and it doesn’t seem to be letting go…
i know that so many of you feel like death is your only option. i promise you it’s not. i’ve felt like i wanted to kill myself, i’ve come close to trying so so so many times. i can tell you without a doubt that i am glad that i didn’t. there are so many great things i wouldn’t have done or experienced, people i wouldn’t have met. sure, there’s been a lot of pain too, and it hasn’t fucking been easy, but one day at a time, i’m making it and i’m a better, stronger person for it. and you will be too.
AGAIN, IF YOU NEED TO TALK, I’M HERE!!!! MESSAGE ME!! ANYTIME!! ABOUT ANYTHING!!!
