3am: January 8th 2012
i can’t sleep, so i’m just sitting here thinking. i sit here on tumblr while the most amazing guy i’ve ever been with snores next to me in bed. i’m currently happier in life than i have been in a very longgg time, but i’m still a miserable person inside. i can’t get it away, it’s in my core. and my eating disorder encompasses everything in some way or another, like it has for 7 fucking years of my pathetic life. all of the things that have caused me PTSD have some ties to my eating disorder. i will NEVER let myself get to the weight that i was at when i had my miscarriage (unless pregnant), because i can never weigh that much yet still be purposeless, at least then i had a reason for gaining weight, a beautiful reason. and that weight isn’t even that heavy, i’m 5’8 and that was 142 lbs. and my abusive ex was so much worse because i was underweight and couldn’t defend myself, and i kept pushing myself to lose weight because i thought that that was why he started dating me in the first place, cuz i had lost weight. and i thought if i could be skinnier, he would stop hitting me. i have so much pain inside of me and he (my boyfriend) accepts it all. he knew so much of my “baggage” before we started dating, and he still wants me. i’m terrified of losing him. he’s different, i don’t feel like our relationship is constant effort, and i’m totally comfortable with him, i don’t feel like i have to hide anything from him. i can tell him when i’m feeling fat and just can’t handle eating and he accepts it, he doesn’t push me. he cares about my health but he knows that trying to “fix” me or babysit me and try to get me to eat won’t work and it will only drive us apart, but like if i haven’t eaten all day he’ll suggest we grab something but not push it. i’m so afraid of the concept of love because i’ve been hurt by it so much that i feel like i’ll forever be afraid to let myself fall in love, and if i do, i won’t be able to admit it. but i fear i may really be falling for him, and i don’t know how to stop it. i’m so broken inside, i have so many problems and issues and histories and i don’t think i’ll ever be able to escape them. what if i can never truly be happy? my biggest item on my bucket list is to be truly happy. but what if i never can? what if i am broken forever? i’m scared of that so much.
i wish that i could sleep.
10:50 pm: January 12, 2012
so just like i’m scared, fuck that i’m TERRIFIED that i’m gonna be this way forever. i don’t want to be married and putting my husband through what i put Rob through. he understands what i’m going through and he supports me but i feel soooo bad that he has to deal with how difficult i am. one of the reasons i was against being in another relationship (until i got close with Rob when i moved out here and it just happened) was because i didn’t want to put anyone i love and care about through watching me starve myself and not being able to fix me. it’s fucking refreshing tho cuz that he isn’t trying to fix me or feed me and make me better :) but like i know i’m not fat, logically i know that, and logically i’m getting thinner. my clothes are getting to be too big, i’m wearing smaller sizes, etc. but i still could be thinner. i’m not as thin as i could possibly be. this scared me thought because in the past this is how i thought and i starved myself near death with a lowest BMI of 13.8. i know that this isn’t healthy, and that most certainly isn’t healthy. but that doesn’t change jack shit!i’ve already been like this for 7 fucking years!!! i really don’t want to truly be destined to be damaged. the problem is, i don’t want to change right now. it’s like i know that eventually i don’t want to be like this anymore, but it’s just that that time doesn’t ever seem to come where i actually don’t want to be like this.
also, i feel guilty inside because i know that an anorexic body is no fun to fuck and for all that he puts up with with and for me, it gets rewarded with a shrinking, bony body becoming increasingly less and less enjoyable to have sex with.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!!?
1:10 am: January 18, 2012
so like fuck! my eating disorder and drive to lose weight really does control everything!! like i had to move out of rob(boyfriend)’s place because his roommate is a fucking dick! (he should be gone by the end of february and then depending on what kind of job i get i should be able to move back in. yuss!!) and like rob knows about and accepts my eating disorder. i don’t have to pretend to be normal around him. i don’t have to eat if i don’t feel comfortable with it, although he does encourage me to have at least one meal a day. and also, we’re both broke as fuck and there’s never really any food in the house, nor can we afford to eat out all that much. so, living with rob definitely helps me stay thin! (plus, sex is a great way to burn calories ;p) but now i’m staying with my godparents, which is awesome i have the whole guest house to myself. but like, they’re normal functioning human beings, they have a stocked kitchen and they eat meals like dinner. so i’m eating more. plus, i’ve fucking started secret night eating again! i don’t fucking know why i do it! i mean, i even feel better eating secretly when i’m at rob’s place!! wtf eliza!? but like now, my desire to lose weight and stop this fucking stupid secret eating is driving my job choices. before, i was opposed to getting a live-in nanny job cuz it would be crazy and i’d never get personal time or whatever. but now i’m applying for all the live-in jobs too! both because i need a job and will take whatever i can get, but also because if i live with the family i work for, i won’t secretly raid their fridge at night and eat!! i’ve been feeling so fat lately and like total crap about myself because i’ve been eating. but like i know logically i’m no bigger than i was a week or so ago when i wasn’t eating or barely eating. the most i’ve gained is a pound. but i just want to stop eating!! i want to stop my stupid secret night eating. and like my “binges” are barely even the size of normal people’s meals. but it’s driving me crazy! i don’t know why!! i really don’t want to live like this forever! i’ve had a fucking eating disorder for 7 years!! and like i never want to stop in the moment but at the same time i don’t want to be like this forever. it’s an oxymoron!! FUUCKKK!!!
on a good note, i heard back from 2 jobs who wanted more information from me. one of the responses looked very positive and promising and with that job i had requested $450 a week!!! i’d be making bank!!! XD (and that one would be live-in, both of them would)
i miss living at rob’s i feel lonely sleeping by myself! :’(
1:30 am: January 19, 2012
i think/i’m worried i may be having or heading into a full-blown relapse into my eating disorder! fuuuccckkk!!!! this is not good! this is not good at all! i’m trying to get a fucking job! i may have gotten/be getting a job. a fucking LIVE-IN FULL FUCKING TIME nanny job!! i can not have a full time nanny job and a full-blown eating disorder! and losing weight doesn’t exactly make me any money >_< the reason i think it’s getting bad again is because i now have proof that my body dysmorphia is definitely getting more intense. the scale says that i lost weight but i think that i look fatter. i think that i look fatter than a few fucking days ago because i’ve kinda been eating more for the past few days! logically, i know that my intake is still not even as much as a normal person. logically, i know that i’m not fat and don’t have to lose any more weight.LOGICALLY I KNOW A WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF THINGS!!!! BUT LOGICALLY ISN’T HELPING ME RIGHT NOW!!! also, my eating disorder and need to lose weight is driving more and more of my non-weight loss related decisions. such as what job to go for and such.
i don’t want to fucking be like this forever, it’s been so long already. but in the moment i never want to stop. i always say that one day i don’t want to be like this, but i’ll never want to actually change. WHAT THE FUCK!?
10:10pm: January 19, 2012
so i just need to tell this story/vent for a minute!…
so i was walking down the street crying kinda. i started crying/being sad cuz i REALLY miss my dog!!! like i’m not homesick necessarily, i miss NYC (although it’s snowing there. haha motherfuckers!) and i really fucking miss my dog!! i’m Luna-sick. and then i was kinda just lightly crying while walking down the street. not enough to really notice. but like i just don’t want to be sad anymore. i thought, well i hoped that leaving home would make me happy. that getting out of the miserable situation would cure my misery. well, wrong. i’m still a miserable fuck! just in a not so miserable place. which i guess helps but it didn’t fix it. I’M STILL ME!!! :’(
so anyways, as i’m walking down the street crying, these guys start hitting on me. likerelentlessly! they keep making comment after comment and i just keep ignoring them and keep walking. at one point one of them said “although your smile could use some work” and then continued to make “complimentary” comments about my ass, etc. i seriously wanted to just be like “well fuck you. i don’t need, want, or give a fuck about your opinions!!” UGHHHH LIKE HONESTLY! CAN MOTHERFUCKING GUYS ON THE STREET FUCKING STOP FUCKING HITTING ON ME ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME!?!?!?CAN’T YOU JUST FUCKING LET ME HATE MYSELF AND THE WAY I LOOK IN PEACE!?!? GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN IT!!!!!!! uuughhhhh!!!
at least i walked a FUCKLOAD today!!
2:45am: January 31, 2012
MY EATING DISORDER IS A SNEAKY LITTLE BITCH
so, as i’ve been sharing, i’m trying to work in the direction of recovery. i know it won’t be easy, but i know i’ve got to. i mean, in all honesty, if i could lose the mental and emotional agony my eating disorder causes and retain the physical results (just the being skinny, not the health problems i’ve mentioned) like i don’t want to have to gain weight!!!!! >_< but omg i feel so fucking fat lately!! like i feel like my stomach is huge! just cuz i’ve been like actually eating. i haven’t gained any weight, in fact the last time i weighed myself it was lower than the time before (but it’s been a few days) but like now, the new tactic my eating disorder is using, is manipulating my recovery. by using my insurance company as an excuse. my insurance company won’t pay for very much eating disorder treatment if i’m not underweight, it may not pay for any. so i keep telling myself that i can’t gain any weight until i go in to some treatment place for an appointment and evaluation. but i’m the one who is supposed to be setting these appointments up! and so far all i’ve done is collect a bunch of information about treatment centers and therapists and leave ONE message for a guy!!! it’s so fucking hard! it wasn’t hard to find all the people and their info, that’s just like doing research. but as much as i know i need this, it’s scary, and part of me doesn’t want to. just because i need this doesn’t necessarily mean i want it. and all the while, i’m like kinda eating more, but not too much, and i feel fat fat fat fat!!! and like i keep telling myself that i can’t gain weight i can gain weight i can’t gain weight because the insurance company won’t pay!! ughhhh this is so hard!!! and also, rob is having a really hard time with his own stuff, which he’s not letting me in on and so i can’t help him and it makes me sad that he’s sad and i feel like a bad girlfriend because i can’t make him feel better. and he can’t be around as much right now while he’s dealing with stuff, which makes me sad. and i feel like me and my eating disorder is just putting more onto him and i feel so so bad about that. i wish that he wasn’t like my only person out here so i wasn’t so lonely and i didn’t have to be so dependent on him. and i know he feel a bit of pressure because he knows that i don’t really have anyone else, and i feel bad that there’s that pressure. oh, and we like kinda sorta did say the big scary crazy “l word” but we haven’t really talked about it…. idk everything is so fucking god damn complicated in life right now!!!!!! >_< i have 2 job interviews tomorrow! one for starbucks! i feel like if i work at starbucks i will be like tweak from south park! hehe. ughhhhh and i really should be fucking getting to sleep!!!!! gahhhhh!!! sorry, i’ll remove this before i go to bed.
March 24, 2012
this whole Kony thing is getting tons and tons of publicity, everyone knows his name. the fact: in 9 years Kony has brought roughly 30,000 kids into his army.
here’s another fact for you all: EVERY SINGLE DAY 30,000 kids lose their lives because of things far more preventable. they lack the basic necessities that we’ve all taken for granted our whole lives, like clean water, access to antibiotics, an education, etc. YET THIS GETS ALMOST NO ATTENTION! WTF!?
ALL OF YOU GUYS WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT GOING TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY, JUST REMEMBER THAT THERE ARE MILLIONS OF KIDS ALL OVER THE WORLD WHO DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WRITE THEIR OWN NAMES, WHO DREAM OF EVEN SEEING THE INSIDE OF A CLASSROOM.
we are all blessed. don’t forget that.
1:00 am: March 26, 2012
sorry, i have to kinda rant for a moment. just like, thinking back over my life and history with guys/relationships/sex, and it’s just so fucked up!!! no guys wanted me when i was younger because i was too skinny and fucked up, my nickname from the guys was skeletor. and like, my first real boyfriend abused me. he was 4 years older than me and would hit me and shove me and knee me in the stomach, throw me to the ground in the snow, push me against buildings/walls and force himself on me, choke me, verbally abuse me, etc. and he stalked me. my next boyfriend tried to kill himself when i broke up with him. i’ve dated some nice people too, don’t get me wrong but so much of the time, the people i fall for don’t turn out to be who they seemed. right now i’m soooo fuckin pissed at my second to last boyfriend (one before Rob) we dated for over a year, i lived there, his friends were my friends, he was my life. but i realized that he was a manipulative asshole and i had just gotten used to it and had never said anything about stuff that bothered me because i don’t like conflict. now, he owes me money and i have a lot of stuff there still. he’s claiming he threw it out and citing some bullshit law about like if someone doesn’t get their stuff in the first 30 days after a break up, the other person has the right to do whatever they want with it. HE WOULDN’T LET ME COME GET IT!!! wtf!?!? and then, i dated Rob, and he felt like the first actually nice guy that i’d gotten, he really understood me and i felt comfortable with him, but he left me too. now he won’t even talk to me because “i bring too much chaos” well, the chaos he’s referring to is the fact that i was drugged and raped at a club, and that didn’t turn me into a stay-at-home girl. that since i still go out, i’m too much to handle. it really hurts, i thought he cared. i tried to text him to tell him how much better i’m doing, and he still hasn’t responded. i’ve had so many one night stands. i accepted money to give some guy head/kinda sex. i don’t want a relationship, i don’t want love. i’m done with that shit, it’s not real. i’m currently sleeping with one of my coworkers who is 26 (he knows how old i am) and i’m actually quite happy with the situation. it’s casual, there’s no feelings involved, no commitment, it’s uncomplicated. i would like to get to know him better, have more sober conversations… lol. i don’t know i’m just so fucking damaged. so hurt by relationships, so tired of people who aren’t who they say they are or seem to be. i’m so tired of being hurt and let down and left when things get hard. fuckkk!!! but hey, i could never play for the other team, i hate girls. i find that they carry so much drama. if i was a dude, i’d probably go gay as opposed to deal with a relationship with a girl… idk. lol
GO READ MY EATING DISORDER STORY!!! PLEASE!?!?!? IT’S IMPORTANT!!!!
